For the last couple of years I’ve been studying mindfulness and engaging in the practice of this. I’ve been consciously bringing my five senses to the front of my mind as I ground myself in the present moment. To ground myself in my body I focus on my bottom on the seat and also on the rise and fall of my tummy. This rise and fall occurs naturally because I’m alive! I don’t have to deliberately breathe in and out, I just put my hand on tummy and take notice. Being aware of each and every present moment helps me to appreciate the moment, savour the moment and be in my own power to make a choice in the here and now. When thoughts pop in, I take note and bring my attention back to my bodily sensations.
What I have learned from mindfulness is that the more connected I am to all the sensations, tastes and tingles in my own body, the more connected I become to others. People who come to consult with me in my psychology practice, often tell me they feel positive energy and warmth when they are with me. I put this partly down to mindful focus on the feelings in my body and the connection this brings to the other person’s energy with my energy. Mindful practice also alerts me to gently check in with people if I feel something is amiss in a conversation. I believe this helps the conversation to be more intimate.
Mindfulness of the present moment, keeps to a minimum worry about the future and regrets about the past. Living moment by moment takes a devoted and intentional practice and is satisfying. I believe that in order to connect with others intimately, we also need to be able to connect with ourselves.
In the same way this connection to my body can improve conversation, connection and general intimacy, it can also improve sex! Therefore, inviting people to be mindful and focus on the sensations in their bodies when having sex with their partner can lead to a more satisfying sexual experience for them. To improve your sex life you might like to try focusing on certain sensations in your body before you begin having sex and during sex or when you masturbate. Practice mindfulness whenever you touch another human. The practice of mindful meditation will also be helpful.
So no longer do you need to lay back and think of England, or all the ways to trim a hat, or the shopping list, you can actually get connected to your body instead! Unfortunately I know some people do not connect to the sexual experience and just go through the motions to get the sex over and done. I think this is sad! Some people don’t even connect to receiving a hug or kisses on the cheeks.
Being connected to your feeling world and sensations during sex, and bringing your mind back to this place whenever it drifts can prevent a pre-occupation with the focus most people have with erections, lubrication and orgasms. My experience is people think a lot about hard penises, how they look, how they are performing and are orgasm focused, past sexual experiences, among other unhelpful thoughts. Mindful sex has nothing to do with these things but being present in your own body and connection with your partner’s body. If you are not used to doing this, you may need to let the thoughts drift on by and bring your mind back many times to your special feeling place until this way of having sex flows naturally and feels pleasurable. It will take devoted practice. If you and your partner are on the same page about all this and both letting go of all societal expectations and personal expectations of sex, then this will help with being connected to the sexual moment. I suggest discuss this with your partner and get in there and practice! Focus on the touch sensation in sex and once you feel fine with this, you might like to include bringing to mind all other senses, of sound, sight, smell, and taste.
Breathing deeply before sex and during sex can also help with relaxation and heighten the sexual sensations you will feel in your body. Perhaps spend some time meditating before sex to get you nice and relaxed. I also want to write a blog post on how beginner’s mind may also make sex more fun. So watch this space …
When the mindfulness ‘muscle’ has been exercised in the everyday of life, it does become easier to let thoughts drift on and bring the attention back to the body when you really need it, like during sex. A simple way to practice mindfulness outside of the bedroom is to practice being mindful when doing the washing up, for example: feel the hardness of the cup, the temperature of the water, the movement of the water against your skin, the smell of the detergent, the view out the window, the hardness of the floor beneath your feet, the sensations of the suds and the sounds of the sloshing of the water. When unwanted or unhelpful thoughts glide into your mind bring your awareness gently back to the sensual experience of washing up. Practice mindful walking in the same way and also mindful eating.
Be compassionate with yourself at all times …
lots of love
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